First, high conflict divorce couples must have a detailed and tight parenting plan. The idea is to mitigate against any foreseeable sources of conflict. Days of the week, even hours of the day must be taken into account. Summer scheduling and holiday visits must be specifically addressed in detail.

A second suggestion is that contact between two high conflict parents must be kept to a minimum. This might mean each parent chooses an after school activity that they alone will supervise. Third, communication needs to be exchanged in a neutral way, such as by a computer program, e-mail, or text messaging. Fourth, major decisions for the child need to be divided up by expertise (e.g. school, health, and recreational activities), Parent X works with the orthodontist and Parent Y works with the speech teacher. Each parent takes turns by the week or by the month in making these decisions.

The responsibility to represent your client’s concerns must always be weighed against ethical considerations regarding the best interest of the child. Sometimes you may need to ask your client to reconsider going to court on a given issue. Parental conflicts chronically played out in court, particularly when children know that they are occurring; damage the child’s post-divorce adjustment. These difficulties can last a lifetime. Conflict affects boys and girls equally. Children of all ages are equally affected. Furthermore, even if the child has a positive relationship with one of the parties at war, he/she will still be negatively affected by conflict.

You need to strongly consider the use of a parent coordinator who can screen for psychological disorders as well as substance abuse in order to make the appropriate referral. They can also be empowered to deal arbitrate on minor disputes.

The second type of co-parenting is conflicted co-parenting, accounting for about 35% of divorced parents. This relationship is characterized by anger, control issues, and intense disagreement. Conflict is most likely due to the fact that one or two parties are not able to let go of the relationship.

The third type of co-parenting is cooperative co-parenting, occurring in approximately 25% of divorced couples. Parents coordinate their roles in the best interest of the child and retain a flexible and supportive relationship vis a vie each other’s parenting parties.

Only the conflicted types of parental relationship usually produce negative consequences for the adjustment of children. The more frequent the conflict, the more damage to the child. If a parallel relationship involves two parents who are actively involved with the children, then there are little, if any, adjustment problems and children tend to behave like they do with cooperative parenting.

Most parallel parenting couples eventually become more cooperative as the wounds of divorce heal. It takes approximately two to three years to happen. However, this is not the case with high conflict parents. I had a client who was battling with his ex-wife 20 years after his divorce.

A major concern with working with high conflict client is the relatively more frequent presence of drug or alcohol abuse, moderate to severe mental illness, and domestic violence. With high conflict parents, parenting plans must focus on safety concerns for the children. The use of a parent coordinator is highly recommended. They are trained to screen for each of the above problems. They can organize a team of professionals to address all of the above issues.

The most frequent conflict in first marriages is finances and, in second marriages, children. As to finances, the central issue is actually control. Individuals who require separate checking accounts or other independent arrangements are stating clearly that they need to be in charge of their own affairs. They have issues “sharing” or melding. In first marriages this is a particularly sensitive area since intimacy depends upon trust and cooperation. In previous generations, the “man of the house” was in charge of finances and was regarded by common law as head of the household. Those days are now long gone, and now marital assets in the eyes of the law are considered equally shared by to both partners irrespective of which bank account has whose name on it. Couples who share everything in joint accounts are working toward a more fully integrated definition of couple. Financial arrangements in which one member is dominant or secretive, doling out the assets to the other in small doses, signifies psychological problems in both members of the conflict.

In second marriages, step-children are the number one issue of potential conflict. This is actually more tricky than finances, because husband and wife may have different philosophies concerning parenting. Here, boundaries must be respected. Each parent must be in charge of disciplining their biological children. Yes, there must be house rules that both couples agree on, but enforcement needs to be assigned to the biological parent.

Today psychology finally appreciates the ability of the conscious mind to heal. An entire new discipline called Cognitive-Behavioral Psychology has been developed. We now know that the neocortex, the evolutionary new part of the brain, can send messages to the older parts that control basic physiological functioning such as heart rate, blood pressure, and level of consciousness. There are numerous techniques that flow from this principle. Biofeedback is one such technique. This is used to reduce blood pressure, reduce headaches, and to improve circulation to the extremities.

An even more powerful tool is autosuggestion or hypnosis. This is a natural state of controlled relaxation and alertness and can be taught by an expert so as to exercise self control and maximum efficiency. I find it particularly useful in the control of pain and anxiety.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of psychotherapy that aids the client in exercising mastery over one’s emotions through positive self talk and realistic appraisal of life events. In this format the client learns to “look at the glass half full as opposed to half empty,” and to “not blow things out of proportion.” This treatment is particularly useful for depression. We now know that depression directly affects our health status. Studies have shown that depression reduces T-cells which in turn renders our immune system less capable of attacking disease. We are more prone to getting cold and influenza.

Finally there is the technique of visualization. This has had wide applications in sports psychology, can also be very useful in controlling habitual behaviors such as over-eating. It also can control potentially negative social situations such as interacting with someone you do not particularly like. It works this way. You close your eyes and attempt to construct a picture in your mind’s eye such as walking away from all the desserts at the office Christmas party or greeting your mother-in-law in a gracious manner. You plan all the specific behaviors associated with the scenario, e.g., smiling, extending your hand, asking about your mother-in-law’s roses, etc.; or in the case of desserts walking in the opposite direction and drinking a glass of water. The use of higher brain centers can improve our health through thoughtful planning and the control of our emotions.

Dieting is a multibillion dollar industry with claims that are largely unfounded. The challenge of a healthy weight loss regimen is to maintain a certain weight. The problem with “dieting” and plastic surgery is that neither instills a long-term plan for weight loss or weight maintenance. People lose weight with a significant amount of success, but keeping weight off is much harder. Unless we change our unhealthy eating habits, we are inevitably doomed to regain weight. Also, deprivation in the form of giving up our favorite foods or drastically reducing our intake leaves us prone to depression or eating binges.

Let us look at a few basic facts. First, every year past the age of 30-35 our metabolic rate decreases by about 2% per year. What this means is that 2% less calories are required each year to maintain the same weight. So, as each of us grows older we need to eat less or burn more calories. Second, an infinitesimal percentage of people are overweight due to physical conditions such as hypothyroidism. Almost everyone who is overweight eats too much, doesn’t exercise enough, or both. Third, whether a person has a “large frame” or a “small frame” accounts only for about a 10 to 15 pound difference in weight. Fourth, approximately 30% to 40% of the adult population in the United States is overweight, defined as 20% above the range for height and body build. Fifth, losing weight is more difficult than getting off drugs or stopping smoking. Approximately 6% of individuals who enter a weight loss program are able to maintain their weight over a five year period. Finally, weight is both a contributor to and a consequence of depression.

The inability to maintain weight loss, and an unreasonable set of expectations about losing weight contribute to a sense of failure, which fuels this destructive weight gain cycle again and again. This is called yo-yoing.

It takes a reduction of approximately 3500 calories below maintenance level to lose one pound. Since most of us require between 1800 to 2600 calories per day for maintenance, it is unrealistic to attempt to lose more than one or two pounds per week. Even if we end up starving ourselves and lose more than one or two pounds, this kind of effort becomes an inordinately unpleasant experience which is difficult to endure. Memories of this suffering will further reduce the probability of trying again.

Success is achieved through effective, efficient, and pleasant modifications of lifestyle, diet, and exercise habits. Healthy eating is a lifelong endeavor. Healthy eating requires regular self-monitoring and habit changes as we grow older. It is essential to be consciously aware of what we eat. Many of us watch TV or read the newspaper as we eat. This is as foolish as driving without looking at the road. Also, most of us have no idea how many calories we are putting in our mouths. A responsible eater notices portion sizes, reads food labels, and becomes familiar with caloric and nutritional values for each food item he or she purchases.

You are already taking the first step toward taking charge of your weight by reading this article. Be attentive to what you eat and how you eat it. Have a relaxed attitude toward eating, take your time, and put joy back into the process of eating rather than eating compulsively. Healthy eating habits take time to develop, but when they do, the rewards are obvious.

There is no one way to raise a teenager. Each parent must decide how to balance the need for their child’s independence with the parental responsibility to prevent harm. The dilemma is how to allow teenagers to make their own mistakes without causing irreparable damage. Take the time to learn your child’s point of view. Never ridicule their opinions even if they sound outrageous to you. Be firm, yet kind. Do discuss with them such difficult topics as cigarette smoking, drug and alcohol use, and sexual behaviors. The more facts they have at their disposal, the less the risk of self-harm. Do not be judgmental. Be patient and encouraging, but establish firm rules regarding their behaviors. Follow through consistently with consequences if rules are violated. Match the consequences with the transgression.

Many new moms may feel that they are giving up a significant amount of their freedom as they enter a new stage in family life. This will only be true if they define their role in an overly restrictive manner. Remember it is the quality rather than the quantity of time you spend with your child that is essential to his/her well-being. It is fine to delegate some of the responsibilities of child care to dad, siblings, or a competent child care worker. Also remember that children are not as fragile as they seem and are adaptable to parental schedules, particularly after the first few months. Each and every cry does not require a response.

New moms need to accept their personal limitations. Some are less patient than others. Some are more anxious than others. You may want to bottle feed rather than breast feed. This is fine. You may tire of bottle-feeding. Ask dad to help. As the child grows older, you do not have to pack all the lunches, read stories every night, tuck your child into bed. Do what you feel comfortable doing. There is no one right way of parenting. Remember, two parents are always better than one. Insist on dad’s help particularly when you are tired or “bummed out.” Do not be afraid or guilty about reversing roles. It will not harm the child if mom is the breadwinner and dad is the househusband. You may want to switch roles on weekends.

Also remember that society has not caught up with the changing roles of mothers. It has been an economic necessity for wives to work for many decades and over 50% of moms hold jobs. Yet, it has become increasingly difficult to find competent child care. Most employers do not offer or compensate for such services. It literally required an act of Congress to obtain leave for birthing and only if you work for a relatively large company. So don’t expect to receive much assistance. That is why it is so important to accept dad as a partner in this enterprise of parenthood.

Sometimes particularly tired or anxious new mothers may have feelings that they find unacceptable. It is normal to occasionally resent your responsibilities or to wish you were someplace else rather home taking care of your child. It is only when these feelings become frequent and/or overwhelming that it is considered abnormal. Please, do not blame yourself. If this occurs, it is a sign that you must make some changes in your current responsibilities. If anxiety, depression, or anger lingers, it is essential that you consult with a Clinical Psychologist.